Grief Observed

Life can take some quick turns we don’t expect. We make plans and often have our heads in the future, but we do not know what the rest of the day will bring. Monday I started bleeding, and very worried I called up my doctor. I was given an appointment for that day. After an uncomfortable exam I saw the serious face of my doctor, she didn’t like what she was seeing, but said it could be nothing. I was rushed out of the office to go and get an ultrasound and blood test. Inconclusive. I have to go in again on Wednesday for a follow up blood test. Wednesday night it’s official. I’ve miscarried.
Our baby lived to be 6 weeks old. All the plans and dreams for this child tuned into pain. It feels odd to be a mother, that Joel is a father, and to know that family is grandparents, aunts, and uncles without being able to meet the person that makes us so. But God in His mercy gave us a very important gift, the ability to weep. I can’t tell you how healing it is to be able to weep from your very soul and know that God hears. He knows. Yes, I am very sad about not getting to meet our baby this side of heaven, but I have great hope in my Heavenly Father because He knows our child. The 6 weeks of life our baby had matters to Him. I will probably never know why this happened, but God is still God, and I know He is good. Because of Him I can always cry with hope, knowing that the creator of the universe knows me, has called me His own, has plans to prosper me and to give me a hope and a future. I know that everyone who walks this earth will know grief, but those who belong to Him will see a day when all wrongs will be undone, and pain will cease to exist. In light of all this I am comforted.
I know many of you have been praying for Joel and me and it has been such a blessing. Thank you.

I need to update more often!

Hmmm, a lot has happened since I last posted. I really should get better at it or no one will ever look to see if I've updated the blog. So YES!, Joel and I are pregnant! We can't wait to meet our baby in February. The baby is 6 weeks old on Sunday. Random thought, why don't we count our age from conception? We are all about 9 months older then we say. I wonder if people would be more pro-life if we stressed that life starts at conception and had our age reflect that. Anyway.

After we confirmed the pregnancy Joel became convinced that the old Honda is a death trap and wanted to get a car with all the safety features so now I'm driving a '99 Saab 9-5. I now can listen to something other than talk radio (the Honda's radio only gave me AM stations). I feel Spoiled.

Joel is so great about humoring me. I have some strong food aversions (I can't stand to be near the mexican food I normally love), and I have some nagging food cravings. Joel is so nice, and will try to help out when he can. I also know I can get moody from being uncomfortable, the regular nausea and exhaustion, but Joel is so kind and understanding. I can't brag about my husband enough!

I can't wait until my first prenatal appointment. I have to wait until the baby is 12 weeks old. August can't come quick enough!

Your prayers for the 3 of us are appreciated. God bless!