I am so embarrassed about how long it has taken me to blog. I don't know if anyone still checks it, but I'll give it a shot again. I've been thinking about blogging for a long time but my life just kept on changing so I put it off, waiting for it to slow down. We have since bought a house, remodeled said house, got a puppy, then we became pregnant again, then sadly lost the baby at about 8 weeks. I've come to realize that doctors do not know everything and I fall into the enigma category for why the miscarriages have happened. They also are not sure how to prevent future miscarriages, but are throwing various meds at me hoping something will help, though nothing is very proven to prevent pregnancy loss. Sigh. In the end it is all up to God anyway. Well I thought I would share a post I had on our churches forum (sorry for those who have already read it) about what I have been learning.

I wanted to thank everyone who prayed for and gave encouragement to us during this difficult time. I am convinced that God answered your prayers for us, and we have been blessed with a peace that can only come from God. I also wanted to take some time to share some things that God has put on my heart that have given me comfort. I know that Joel and I are not the only ones going through a difficult time and I hope that you can be encouraged from some things I feel God has taught me.
It’s taken me a long time to write because I have had a hard time collecting my thoughts. I finally decided to allow my thoughts to come as they will and hope that they make sense to anyone reading.

I started to think about suffering and how Jesus is the bridegroom of the church. In light of that, He is courting us now in this life, asking “Do you love me? Do you trust me? Do you know me?”. The sufferings of this time make us uncomfortable. We say, “This can’t be right, something is wrong”. After sin entered the world it was subjected to futility for a reason, so that we would look to God for deliverance. If we get comfortable we might start to believe this is our home and look no further, but the discomfort causes our hearts to groan and cry out to the lover of our souls. I am convinced that on the day we see our bridegroom Christ, joy will leap up in our hearts like a fire and burn away all the hurt, suffering, and death, and we will be swallowed up in life, made new. And the anticipation built up over the years to see Jesus, because we tasted the bitterness of sorrow, will make our joy more complete because we knew what it was to be apart from Him. Being with Him after this life will be like waking up from a dream and realizing that you’ve been in the loving arms of your father who has been holding you, waiting for the moment you would open your eyes to know how much you are loved, and have all the nightmares evaporate in the light.

I was thinking about how loving God is towards us. And if we come to God with our broken hearts, like children bring anything that is broken and precious to them to their father, He sees our pain and tears. He takes the pieces of our broken heart and puts them back together. It’s never the same as before it was broken, but somehow it is all the more beautiful if we let him be the one to put it back together because He has touched us. I know it’s hard not to struggle with the thought “if God is so good why do bad things happen?”. But I feel the most loving thing God could do is to allow the world to show its brokenness so we look to Him instead of settling for temporary things. After this time of suffering I feel like I love, trust, and know Him a little more and I feel blessed.