Rabbit Trail Thoughts

Since Sarah asked so nicely...

2008-03-31T13:15:00.001-07:00

Here is a picture of me at 35 weeks along. I don't know how much room I have left to stretch, but I guess we will see...

I am blessed

2008-03-25T14:40:00.000-07:00

Wow it’s been a long time since I last posted. I think it’s because so much is happening around me and so much is going on emotionally in me that I can’t possibly express it easily.

Joel and I are eagerly anticipating the arrival of our boy. Joel is so cute, some days his is absolutely giddy with the wonder and joy of it. We still don’t have a name, but have decided to take a list of names we like with us to the hospital and see if looking at him makes the name choice any easier.

The last week and a half I’ve been put on rest because I am having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions along with some “real” contractions and a bit of cramping. The doctor is not worried even if our boy decided to enter the world now, but told me to rest until he reaches 35 weeks. I’m so glad that I was able to quit working at the beginning of the month (thank you God for blessing Joel with a raise) so I didn’t inconvenience an employer with my sudden need to not work.

I’m glad that my restrictions are up on Friday because Joel and I are going to a bed and breakfast in Portland this weekend to celebrate our 4^th wedding anniversary. My how the time has flown! I feel so blessed by our marriage and having Joel for my best friend. We are planning on going to a McMinnamins to hear some local musicians and going to the park where Joel proposed and just spending some quiet time together (no cell phones) before our little family brings in a new member. Hopefully our son will allow us to have this last trip alone together, but if he decides to interrupt we will be close to the hospital we chose to deliver at.

I am also very excited as my sister Alonna is due at any time now that she has reached the 38 week mark and I’m eager for the day when we get a call and Alonna and Dan get to introduce us to the little girl God has given them.

I have also been having a wonderful learning time with God. I’ve been reminded over and over of how great He is, remembering more of His character, and feeling the emphasis on love Him first above everything, and everything else will fall into place. I think this is so important to me right now facing such a big change in my life and being concerned about being the person and parent God wants me to be. I easily get bogged down in how huge it all is and how easy it is to make mistakes (over active conscience lady here) but it is such a blessing to know that if I can make my foundation God and center my world on Him that He will guide me through it all. How is it that the God of the universe who holds EVERYTHING together even notices me? How humbling that is. I pray that I can honor Him with my life.

Decorating

2007-12-13T16:26:00.000-08:00

This year, thanks to a generous donation, we got to put up Christmas lights on our house for the first time. My parents wanted new lights after at least ten years of the same multicolored strands so they gave them to us. Another wonderful donation to our family was a free noble tree from Joel's coworker. I know to my parents and Nick it is not a big deal, but to us it is just so nice to have these visual reminders of the season we are celebrating without the cost.

To accommodate the request for a belly picture I decided to pose for a picture in front of the before mentioned Christmas tree. Both Alonna and my doctor tell me a significant baby belly growth spurt is just around the corner so I will try to show the progress.

It's a boy!

2007-12-06T12:24:00.000-08:00

We had our ultrasound yesterday and now that family has been told I can openly say Joel and I are having a son! Being able to see our little boy was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen, if not the most beautiful. It's amazing what they can see using sound waves. We watched as the baby moved and the tech showed us his heart and pointed out all the chambers. We looked at his little fingers and toes and watched his arms and legs work. I was strongly reminded of Psalm 139 talking about how we are knit together and are fearfully and wonderfully made. I know people are pregnant and having children every day, but it seems like such a miracle, even if it is common.
Also within the last week I have been able to confidently say I can feel the baby moving. I'm not sure about every kick yet, but there are times when he seems to roll over, and that is nothing I've ever felt before, so I know it's him.
During the Christmas season it is natural to think with thankfulness about all that God has done for us and this year the blessings are too numerous to count.

16 weeks!

2007-11-16T16:09:00.000-08:00

Well it's been awhile since I last updated my blog so I thought since I had my 16 week checkup today it would be a good time to do that. I saw my normal doctor for the second time this pregnancy (since I was with a specialist the first 9 weeks) and she is the nicest doctor I've ever met. It has been a real blessing to have a doctor that takes all the time you need to talk and ask questions and is so friendly. She used the doppler to get the heartbeat and was pleased with the heart rate, and it was so heartwarming to hear. The baby was very active and the doctor told us when she would hear the movements on the doppler.

It's funny to watch my expanding belly. There is a noticeable difference between what I look like now and a month ago and I've only gained a pound so I know its all baby. Everything is moving up and out, and because of my short torso I'll probably carry the baby like I have a basketball under my shirt.

I'm getting a lot more excited as time goes by. I've successfully gotten off of the progesterone and aspirin and I'm now down to regular prenatal vitamins!

I’m looking forward to our ultrasound in 2 and 1/2 weeks when we get to find out the sex of the baby and see how much our baby has grown and changed since we last saw them. So far Joel thinks the baby is a girl and my aunt and 3 of my friends say it's a boy. I personally have no leanings, but will admit that since so many insist that it's a boy my stubbornness wants to resist. We will soon find out who is right anyway.

Since I am down to working only at the daycare I’ve been able to take it easy and rest as much as I need because I only have to get up early twice a week. I know this won’t be true with future pregnancies since I will have to care for our child so I’m enjoying this time around as much as possible.

I know my blogs lately have been very baby centered, but that’s what I am right now so I guess it’s appropriate. Honestly my brain has been half asleep for several months now so I don’t keep on one train of thought for long unless it is baby related anyway. Well, I’m done for now ‘cause I’m hungry again.

9 1/2 week ultrasound

2007-10-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

The ultrasound went well today. The baby is measuring within the normal range, there was a good heartbeat, and the baby was very active for some of the time. Joel said when he saw the baby move around he fell in love. My husband is so cute.

If you aren't used to reading ultrasounds I'll tell you what you are looking at. The baby is inside of the black bean shaped sack, and the small white dot inside is the yolk sack. The bigger, rounder portion of the baby is the head and little buds coming off of the body are the arms and legs. Because of the oversized head and the short round limbs this has been called the "teddy bear stage" by some.

It is so encouraging to be doing so well at this stage since we have never made it this far in a pregnancy before. I am very hopeful and I get excited now when I go by a baby section in a store and see all of the tiny clothes.

For those of you who have been praying for us thank you, and your continued prayer touches us. A specific request I have now is that the Dr. is taking me off of the progesterone starting Saturday and this is scary to me since everything has been going so well with it and I don't want that to change. Again I will just have to trust God and give it to Him in prayer, but it's nice to know that others will be bringing it before God too.

Sigh, I'm happy.

Dog kisses as answered prayer

2007-10-01T15:50:00.000-07:00

I went to the vet today for Lucy, our ever itchy allergic infection dog. Anyone who says mutts have less health problems than purebreds has not met Lucy. I was standing there navigating the world of what meds does the dog really need and what is the vet just trying to get more for when a couple came in with their cat that they were putting down. This made me sad. But as I was sitting waiting for Lucy to be brought out after her shot the man came out of the back room where they had taken the cat and sat down and cried. My heart just ached for him, and it was very difficult to keep my pregnant self from crying along with him. I started to pray for the man to be comforted and asked God if I should say I was sorry for his loss or something when Lucy was brought out. The man looked up at her and laughed and said something about how cute she was and Lucy went directly for him and started kissing his face. I was beet red by the time I got her under control, but he just laughed and patted her on the head. As we left I felt that God had already comforted this man with dog kisses and anything I said wouldn't be as affective, so I just smiled and commented that I hoped she wasn't a bother and took my kissing dog home. Sometimes answers to prayer come in strange packages!

2nd ultrasound

2007-09-19T17:04:00.000-07:00

We had our 7 1/2 week ultrasound Monday and it went really well. Everything is measuring right and we saw a good heartbeat! This has been so encouraging to us. Thank you everyone for your prayers. Our next appointment is in 2 weeks. I am also thankful that Alonna helped me out and got her Dr. to take me even though she is not currently taking new clients. After my appointment in 2 weeks the specialist is finished with me and Alonna's Dr. sounds sympathetic and skilled and she delivers at hospitals I like. It's still hard not to worry sometimes, but it's getting easier. This time around has been much different, including feeling more nauseous, so I'm feeling really good about it. I know all life is in God's hands and I will continue to pray that things go well.

First ultrasound

2007-09-06T12:13:00.000-07:00

We had our first ultrasound today. The person who scheduled my appointment unfortunately scheduled me a half of a week too soon so we didn't get to see much. This early on a few days makes all of the difference. So today we saw the sack and the yolk sack, but that's it. Everything we saw is on track, but when you can't see the baby or a heartbeat you can't really know if things are going well. I like the doctor and the nurse practitioner in my office but their medical assistants are either mean, or make appointments too early. Sorry, I'm venting a bit. My next appointment is in a week and a half so we should be able to see the baby and a heartbeat by then. Please remember to keep us in your prayers.

Update

2007-08-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

The test results for today were good so the Dr. made my appointment for a 6 week ultrasound next week. I'm glad it's being performed in the office because they will be telling me everything as they are performing the ultrasound, unlike what happens when you see a person who is just a tech. I've never had a good ultrasound so I'm praying that it goes well and I 'm also glad that Joel is able to come too.

Please pray with us

2007-08-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

We found out yesterday morning that we are pregnant again! Please pray that the baby(s) is/are healthy. We find out on Thursday if the HCG hormone is rising as it should, then they will give me some progesterone if they feel it may help.
Please also pray for my sister Alonna and brother-in-law Dan. They are pregnant too and we are praying that they have a healthy baby since they have had a miscarriage too. It will be fun having babies so near each other. She is due the beginning of April and my estimated due date is May 3rd.
Thank you for keeping us in your prayers, and I will try to take Joel's advice and pray expectantly.

We were meant for more than this

2007-06-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

The number of times lately that I have been reminded that this earth is not our home, we were meant for more, is staggering. Not to say I'm unhappy, far from it, but I have seen so much of the effect from the fall of man that I can't help but "groan, longing to be clothed with our dwelling from heaven"(2 Cor. 5:2).

It's so easy to just get caught up in this life and not want to take the "scary" challenges from God like seek Him first and let Him take care of all my needs. Sometimes I feel like I'm going through life just looking at my feet and missing the bigger picture of what God is doing in this world. Would I be more motivated if I fully understood how temporary this life is? Would I more willingly risk the temporary for the eternal? Would I be able to cast off fear and live the full life Jesus promised? Maybe. But it can't just all be a head exercise, as if knowledge alone would ever fix me. But along with this ever present reminder that this world is not my home I am feeling a gentle whisper from God to come in deeper, to know Him more, to love Him more, and acknowledge that every part of me is known and give Him all the things I hold onto. With this is an ever growing "ambition, whether at home [with God] or absent [on earth], to be pleasing to Him." (2 Cor. 5:9). My prayer is that I listen to the voice of God, allow Him to change me, and earnestly seek His face.

I'm feeling fine

2007-06-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

Everything went well. I'm very sleepy, but decided to let you all know that I'm fine. Thank you for your prayers, I feel like God answered them all.

Surgery

2007-06-14T14:02:00.000-07:00

After 5 and a half months of my body not completing the miscarriage the Doctors have decided that I need to have a Hysteroscope D and C. And since the are already in there they are also doing a Laparoscopic surgery to look for endometriosis. Apparently since 2 of my sisters have been diagnosed with it that gives me a 50-50 chance of having it as well, even without the symptoms. I decided to do it now because insurance will cover it now under recurrent pregnancy loss where later they won't because it will be under infertility. Another reason is that if I have endometriosis it could be the cause of my past miscarriages because it apparently affects your immune system to where your body rejects the baby. I'm going in tomorrow at 6:45 and am scheduled to be in surgery at 9:00. I have to go in earlier than the regular 2 hours because I have come down with a cold so they need to make sure that it's okay for me to proceed with the surgery.

I'm frustrated that it took them so long to figure things out. Everything dealing with the miscarriage has made me realize that doctors don't know everything, and that is a nerve wracking thing to think when you are about to go under the knife. I've only ever had oral surgeries so this is scarier because there is more at risk. If something goes wrong it might have a permanent ill affect on my fertility. They could also end up accidentally cutting near by organs. And it's also hard for me to see Joel fighting anxiety because he doesn't want anything bad to happen to me. Okay, now I've vented. It's time to pray again.
So please pray with us:

That God would help us not to be anxious .
That I would be healthy enough for them to be able to operate on me.
That the procedure would go well (that they will not scar or puncture my uterus so fertility would’t be harmed).
And that I would recover well.

Thanks everyone for your support through all of our fertility struggles and loss. It means a lot to both of us that people care. I'm glad God doesn't expect us to go through life alone but gives us friends and family to help us get over hurdles, to cry with us when we can't , and to encourage us to be more like Christ.

2007-06-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here wondering how it is we continue to let ourselves be deceived and allow footholds for sin in our life. How is it that we think that it only affects ourselves, as if we are an island in this world. We play with sin, thinking it is not a big deal, or we are an exception to the rule. As if any experience or feeling we have is original, there is nothing new under the sun. This is the reality that Ethnos Church is facing now. We are scrambling to learn what it is to restore people who are repentant of sins that have hurt all of us.

This situation made me realize how easily we deceive ourselves and allow ourselves to be deceived by the enemy of our souls. But thankfully God is so gracious to us. Jesus is perfect, and yet when the woman caught in sin was brought before Him to be stoned He mercifully said "he who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." and everyone had to leave. Then He asked her "Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?" her reply "No one Lord" then beautifully He responds "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more.". Jesus as the only perfect one there had every right to condemn her, but His love and mercy are greater. He forgave much, and I like to think that she loved Him for it.

This story is a helpful reminder to me at this time. It's easy to judge and categorize sin, but I am nothing close to perfect. And if the lover of our souls does not condemn, I will choose not to either. I think it will be something I will have to remind myself every time my human nature pops up, but I think it is worth it to learn more about the heart of God. I don't know what it looks like to have a church restore brothers and sisters who stumble, but my prayer is that Ethnos will look to God for the answer and show the world that is watching that through Christ restoration is possible. His cross is achingly beautiful, the price has been paid. Thank you Jesus!

Sweet sleep

2007-04-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

Well Joel and I got a decent tax return and finally allowed ourselves to get the mattress of our dreams. We had had enough of 3 years of kicking each other so we got a king sized bed and the icing on the cake is that it is memory foam. I like it because when Joel moves around I don't feel it nearly as much and because it is firm but comfortable, the balance I've been looking for. Plus it should last much longer than an innerspring mattress. We have had it for a week and I'm already noticing a significant change for the better. Wohoo! I've had much more energy and because I'm sleeping better I feel happier. Joel has noticed that I've been downright hyper some days. I guess I'm starting to realize how important sleep is.

2007-03-23T22:29:00.003-07:00

I am so embarrassed about how long it has taken me to blog. I don't know if anyone still checks it, but I'll give it a shot again. I've been thinking about blogging for a long time but my life just kept on changing so I put it off, waiting for it to slow down. We have since bought a house, remodeled said house, got a puppy, then we became pregnant again, then sadly lost the baby at about 8 weeks. I've come to realize that doctors do not know everything and I fall into the enigma category for why the miscarriages have happened. They also are not sure how to prevent future miscarriages, but are throwing various meds at me hoping something will help, though nothing is very proven to prevent pregnancy loss. Sigh. In the end it is all up to God anyway. Well I thought I would share a post I had on our churches forum (sorry for those who have already read it) about what I have been learning.

I wanted to thank everyone who prayed for and gave encouragement to us during this difficult time. I am convinced that God answered your prayers for us, and we have been blessed with a peace that can only come from God. I also wanted to take some time to share some things that God has put on my heart that have given me comfort. I know that Joel and I are not the only ones going through a difficult time and I hope that you can be encouraged from some things I feel God has taught me.
It’s taken me a long time to write because I have had a hard time collecting my thoughts. I finally decided to allow my thoughts to come as they will and hope that they make sense to anyone reading.

I started to think about suffering and how Jesus is the bridegroom of the church. In light of that, He is courting us now in this life, asking “Do you love me? Do you trust me? Do you know me?”. The sufferings of this time make us uncomfortable. We say, “This can’t be right, something is wrong”. After sin entered the world it was subjected to futility for a reason, so that we would look to God for deliverance. If we get comfortable we might start to believe this is our home and look no further, but the discomfort causes our hearts to groan and cry out to the lover of our souls. I am convinced that on the day we see our bridegroom Christ, joy will leap up in our hearts like a fire and burn away all the hurt, suffering, and death, and we will be swallowed up in life, made new. And the anticipation built up over the years to see Jesus, because we tasted the bitterness of sorrow, will make our joy more complete because we knew what it was to be apart from Him. Being with Him after this life will be like waking up from a dream and realizing that you’ve been in the loving arms of your father who has been holding you, waiting for the moment you would open your eyes to know how much you are loved, and have all the nightmares evaporate in the light.

I was thinking about how loving God is towards us. And if we come to God with our broken hearts, like children bring anything that is broken and precious to them to their father, He sees our pain and tears. He takes the pieces of our broken heart and puts them back together. It’s never the same as before it was broken, but somehow it is all the more beautiful if we let him be the one to put it back together because He has touched us. I know it’s hard not to struggle with the thought “if God is so good why do bad things happen?”. But I feel the most loving thing God could do is to allow the world to show its brokenness so we look to Him instead of settling for temporary things. After this time of suffering I feel like I love, trust, and know Him a little more and I feel blessed.

How to Get a R.C. Airplane Out of a Tree

2006-09-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

I feel bad I haven’t blogged recently. I didn't think I had much to write about so I decided to make a list of things I've learned recently.
-To get a radio controlled airplane out of a tree all you need is a bow and arrow, kite string, and electrical tape.

-I'm still a pretty good shot, even in the dark.

-25 feels a lot like 24.

-The Happy Birthday song is impossible to sing, unless it is started by a 15 year old young man who is pleased with his low voice.

-I hold my writing utensils in a death grip. After an inch thick stack of papers to initial and sign I get a dent in my middle finger.

-Vacations with extended family mean that you will never go hungry and as soon as you are finished with one meal people are already preparing the next.

-1,000 piece puzzles are fun until the picture includes a lot of snow. In that case it is an obsession to do the impossible.

-My heart visibly pounds in my chest when I have to speak in public.

-Getting a shot in the "hip" makes me involuntarily kick.

-You can make a 3 year old want anything if you pretend its fun.

-The ultimate tool in cleaning old cabinets is a bread tag.

-There are a lot of generous people on Craig's List.

-If you want Joel to forget about work for a day take him to the beach and have him dig in the sand with the dog.

-And life is much more fun when you look for the positive.

Of dreams and other things

2006-08-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

I decided to write a blog to cheer myself up. For more than a month I have been struggling with feelings that don’t match up to what I’m thinking. An annoying side affect to hormones that have no place to go, kind of a perma PMS. Any pity you feel for my unfortunate husband is well founded. But he has handled my widely variant moods well, placing him one step closer to sainthood. I love him. Fortunately I have been leveling out quickly this last week and have hopes that I will be normal soon.

So, to cheer myself up I’m writing a blog about my dreams. This can be a dangerous move because dreams are something held close to the heart. And I admit I am pretty self-conscious, worrying that people may look down on me since my dreams aren’t very deep, but hey, I’m just going to take that risk.

A dream that seems to be coming partly true right now is getting a house. If things go as we hope it will happen in a month. I like that the house has more room than we need right now so we can start to practice hospitality. In the future I would like to live on larger property. I love the quiet and slower pace of life. It’s also nicer to look out the window and see trees instead of the wall of a neighbors’ house.

Something I hope will happen soon is to have children. We have to go through a short waiting period so my body can recover, but it would be nice to have little children running around looking like little Joels or Natalies. We haven’t decided how many children we want, we jokingly say 2.5, we just can’t honestly say until we experience being parents. I know that it is important to both of us that we have only as many kids as we can effectively love and parent.

A not-so-secret dream is that I would like to have horses to go with the property mentioned above. To be more specific I would like Paso Finos. They are a “gaited” horse which means they do not trot they instead move in a way that is smooth while still ground covering. This means that they are comfortable to ride and it would be easier for inexperienced people or people with back, hip or knee issues to ride. I would like to share horses with people. I know that there are many girls who have dreams about horses, and even some boys want to be a cowboy and I think that important relationships can be formed over the sharing of common dreams. I have also noticed something special happens when adults get to live out a childhood dream. It touches somewhere deep inside, and it is beautiful to watch.

Another thing I would like to do in my lifetime is to write a book. I don’t know if it would be for public consumption, but I just feel like I need to write. Now there is a little hitch that comes with how I write. I had a teacher explain it this way; there are two kinds of writers, tree people and forest people. In other words some people see the small picture, like characters, scenes, and settings. Some people see the broad picture, like a general plot. Both types of people can eventually work towards a complete story, but the tree people have a harder time. We can write something that is beautiful in detail, but if it doesn’t go anywhere people quickly lose interest. My biggest problem is with conflict (what does that say about me?) and without it there is no story. Maybe that’s why the only thing I’ve published is a poem.

Now this is a dream I haven’t shared with anyone but Joel because it isn’t very clear. I would like to do something to minister to Native Americans. I went on a mini mission trip in high school to the Warm Springs reservation and witnessed firsthand the hopelessness, mistrust, and need for truth. I was so sad when I went to their museum and saw what the church had done in the past. The Native Americans were told basically that everything about their culture was evil and they had to dress, behave, and talk like white people to be Christians. Years later a man from the organization Red Soul Rising came to my church as a guest speaker and talked about how they were ministering to, and sharing the gospel with Native Americans and how they were encouraging them to worship God using their culture. He proved his point by singing in his tribes’ language and drumming. It was touching to hear him worship God in a way that mattered to him and how he wanted to share that with other Native Americans. I don’t know what I can do, but I hope God will show me.
You know what? I feel better already.

Peaceful times

2006-07-31T19:33:00.000-07:00

My sister Julie and her husband Matt invited the whole family to stay at their vacation home in Husum Washington (across the river from Hood River Oregon) for a long weekend. It was so nice to just relax and spend time with each other. Everyone was coming and going as their schedules allowed with dog in tow. Each of our families now have a dog, Alonna and Dan are the latest happy parents of a hairy baby named Daisy. She is a sweet little boston terrier. We have all fallen in love with the only dog in the extended family that would qualify as a lap dog (even though all of our larger dogs still try to qualify, oof!). It was wonderful to see the White Salmon River from the house and be able to take a short walk to Husum Falls and watch the rafters go over the 10 foot falls. We heard many a woohoo! Going on this mini vacation reminded me of how important it is to slow down and enjoy life and spend time with God every day, not just when I can get away on vacation. It’s good for my soul. I can do this wherever I am if I only try. Joel and I just put an offer on a house and I realized how important it is to me to have our home be a peaceful place. I’m not meaning this in a noise level sort of way, after all Joel is my husband, but in an attitude and way of life. I want people who visit our home to notice the peacefulness too. I also appreciated the good example of hospitality Matt and Julie gave us all, and how they share what God has given them. They have made their home available to the pastors at their church. I hope that I also remember that everything I have has been a gift from God and that I need to be generous also.

A shout of joy comes in the morning

2006-07-19T20:14:00.000-07:00

These last few weeks have been a time of growing pains and heartache but I wanted to take a moment and share the joy that has come from God. This joy has nothing to do with circumstances, but has everything to do with God’s loving-kindness. The day the doctor confirmed my miscarriage while I was crying out to God I was reminded of the verse “Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30: 5). I prayed this verse for Joel and me, asking God that He would give us a joy that would be a gift from Him. God was faithful to answer that prayer and joy and peace touched my heart. It was funny actually because in the midst of sadness and wanting a good pity party, I would feel a gentle brush of joy touch my heart and I could not help but smile. I would have to laugh. It reminded me of when friends and family would cheer me up when I would stubbornly want to pout but I would find that smiling muscles seem to be much stronger than the frowning ones and the smile would win out. “You’ve ruined my pout” I would joke. The verse “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34: 18) became very real to me. I was not being extra religious, praying harder or reading the Bible more, yet God gave me joy, peace, hope, and His love became very obvious to me.

God also comforted me by helping me remember that He has also experienced the greatest suffering “Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53: 4-5). I also firmly believe that during the time when the miscarriage was uncertain, and I was crying out to God asking to keep the baby, that my Father in Heaven wept as He had to say no.

God has helped me to realize and take to heart that there are so many things to be grateful for, and there are many more blessings every day than hard things. So when I worry about Joel’s mom, feel sadness about our lost baby, or get mad that Joel is overworked and underpaid, I am becoming better at putting that into perspective and being grateful for the many things that I do have. On the hardest of days I can still be thankful for something as simple as the breath that I breathe, and the moment that I breathe my last I can thank God that I get to shed this earthly tent and go home to Him.

Nothing is guaranteed, and when I feel entitled to have things the way that I want them I become ungrateful. For the time-being most of that ungratefulness has been stripped away by gaining a new perspective through loss. My hope is that through God’s help I will continue to look for His blessings and be grateful after time has passed and life gets back to normal. “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18).

I am glad that God has made something good of this hard time of the loss of our baby and worrying over Robin. Now, I wouldn’t have chosen for things to have turned out as they have, but God is beginning to teach me to worship in the midst of grief. Before this time of loss I would struggle against anything I didn’t like, I would refuse to accept it, or hide myself from it; but God has proven Himself to be trustworthy and good so now I am beginning to struggle less with the hard stuff in life. I have a long way to go, but I would like to be more like David when he said “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing: You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.” (Psalm 30: 11-12).

There will be future times of difficulty but Jesus said “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16: 33) and that is comforting.

On Sunday we sang a worship song with the line “you give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, LORD, blessed be Your Name” and with a catch in my voice and tears misting in my eyes I finally knew what that meant.

Grief Observed

2006-06-30T02:21:00.000-07:00

Life can take some quick turns we don’t expect. We make plans and often have our heads in the future, but we do not know what the rest of the day will bring. Monday I started bleeding, and very worried I called up my doctor. I was given an appointment for that day. After an uncomfortable exam I saw the serious face of my doctor, she didn’t like what she was seeing, but said it could be nothing. I was rushed out of the office to go and get an ultrasound and blood test. Inconclusive. I have to go in again on Wednesday for a follow up blood test. Wednesday night it’s official. I’ve miscarried.
Our baby lived to be 6 weeks old. All the plans and dreams for this child tuned into pain. It feels odd to be a mother, that Joel is a father, and to know that family is grandparents, aunts, and uncles without being able to meet the person that makes us so. But God in His mercy gave us a very important gift, the ability to weep. I can’t tell you how healing it is to be able to weep from your very soul and know that God hears. He knows. Yes, I am very sad about not getting to meet our baby this side of heaven, but I have great hope in my Heavenly Father because He knows our child. The 6 weeks of life our baby had matters to Him. I will probably never know why this happened, but God is still God, and I know He is good. Because of Him I can always cry with hope, knowing that the creator of the universe knows me, has called me His own, has plans to prosper me and to give me a hope and a future. I know that everyone who walks this earth will know grief, but those who belong to Him will see a day when all wrongs will be undone, and pain will cease to exist. In light of all this I am comforted.
I know many of you have been praying for Joel and me and it has been such a blessing. Thank you.

I need to update more often!

2006-06-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, a lot has happened since I last posted. I really should get better at it or no one will ever look to see if I've updated the blog. So YES!, Joel and I are pregnant! We can't wait to meet our baby in February. The baby is 6 weeks old on Sunday. Random thought, why don't we count our age from conception? We are all about 9 months older then we say. I wonder if people would be more pro-life if we stressed that life starts at conception and had our age reflect that. Anyway.

After we confirmed the pregnancy Joel became convinced that the old Honda is a death trap and wanted to get a car with all the safety features so now I'm driving a '99 Saab 9-5. I now can listen to something other than talk radio (the Honda's radio only gave me AM stations). I feel Spoiled.

Joel is so great about humoring me. I have some strong food aversions (I can't stand to be near the mexican food I normally love), and I have some nagging food cravings. Joel is so nice, and will try to help out when he can. I also know I can get moody from being uncomfortable, the regular nausea and exhaustion, but Joel is so kind and understanding. I can't brag about my husband enough!

I can't wait until my first prenatal appointment. I have to wait until the baby is 12 weeks old. August can't come quick enough!

Your prayers for the 3 of us are appreciated. God bless!

More job stuff

2006-04-26T11:56:00.000-07:00

It's so odd. My salon job has always been rather precarious. I am the second receptionist which means I get fewer hours and the stinky days (I've been working Saturdays for more than a year). I never left this job 'cause the pay is good, the job is low stress, and I get to read a lot. The other receptionist was making it hard for me, leaving mean notes and trying to steal hours from me, but I never left. I would pray about it and look for other jobs but nothing ever worked out and I felt like I shouldn't leave. I thought I was just being lazy, but something told me to just wait it out. Then it happened. The other receptionist got herself fired and now I get to choose the hours I want, I still get to do the daycare, and until they find another receptionist I get a lot of extra hours. Joel and I can definitely use this extra money to put away for a house in the future. God is always so faithful to provide. And the stylists are happy that I will be the main receptionist now. Apparently they prefer it if receptionist is helpful and friendly. Hmmm Who knew?

My husband the cowboy

2006-03-28T23:04:00.000-08:00

Joel and I just celebrated our 2nd anniversary on March 26th! We went to a bed and breakfast and vineyard in Dundee called Wine Country Farm. It was so beautiful to be in the red hills overlooking several vineyards and farmland in the valley. No cell phones, no computers, it was so relaxing.
Joel and I decided that we would take a horseback ride through a nearby stable thinking it would be fun. I had bought Joel some used cowboy boots so he would be safer (it's recommended that you wear shoes with a heel and little or no traction so that in an emergency you can get your foot out of the stirrup easier and the heel is so your foot doesn’t slip through the stirrup in a fall and cause the rider to be dragged. Yikes!). I’m so glad I did.
We drove out to this beautiful barn and met the nice 60 something year old owner who would be leading us on our ride. He showed us some of his beautiful horses, including a Friesian and a Gypsy Vanner that are not very common. He then led us to our horses, both were Tennessee Walkers; a breed that has a special smooth gait instead of the bouncy trot. Very comfortable.
We spent a little time in the arena getting used to our horses. For Joel this was his first time on a horse for about 10 years, and for me this was my first time on a Tennessee Walker. Joel had been taught by his mother how to ride back when he was younger, but he wasn’t sure he would remember how to ride after so many years.
Once we felt comfortable the man led Joel and me out of the barn, across the street, and into an open field. We were going along happily side by side when we came to some mud. Our guide’s mount led the way and Joel and I followed. We started to realize that the mud covered a larger area than we thought and was also deeper than we thought. My horse picked its' way through and the guide and I were on the other side. But then I realized Joel was no longer beside me. I turned my horse around and my heart dropped into my stomach. The mare Joel was riding was struggling to find her footing and her back legs slipped underneath her and she was now sitting in the mud! She continued to fret and struggle with her back legs sliding in the mud. Joel in the meantime is cool as a cucumber keeping his balance and had in a brilliant move taken his feet out of the stirrups. Everything he did ensured that the mare kept her balance and because of it prevented her from falling over which would have most certainly hurt Joel. The mare finally got her feet in right order and found her way out of the mud. The guide and I met Joel where we had started on the other side of the mud and Joel was full of adrenaline but un-traumatized. The guide went on to say how nothing like this has ever happened and how impressed he was with Joel for handling the situation in the best way possible. Had Joel fallen, jumped off, or kept his feet in the stirrups the situation would have probably ended in a bad way.
As it turned out we were able to choose another route and had a very fun and relaxing ride.
When the hour was over Joel gave me a big smile and told me how fun that was and how he would love to own a horse in the future. And I left the barn that day very impressed with my husband. He’s a cowboy!

It just came out of nowhere!

2006-02-02T14:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, maybe not out of nowhere, but it seemed like it. God is rather mysterious, and I would say funny. I was at my reception job at the salon when a client told one of the stylists she was looking for someone to help her out a few days a week with her daycare. The stylist said that I was very reliable and only worked at the salon part-time so she suggested the woman ask me if I was interested. I wasn't sure at first; I don't like the idea of daycare because the children should be with their parents if at all possible, but after visiting with the children to get to know them I decided to give it a shot. I'm not their parent, but I can give them love and good care. I am also developing the ever so important skill of changing diapers. I'm going to be a pro soon! I started this week, and I'm excited that I still have the flexibility to do all the things I need/want to do during the week and I get to contribute more to Joel's and my income. Besides, there is nothing like the smile of a baby. So thank God for things that come out of "nowhere"!

Um... I think sleep hates me...

2006-01-28T19:14:00.000-08:00

So yeah, I haven’t been writing in my blog since before thanksgiving. Oops! But I have a reason. I think sleep hates me. Seriously!
I know some people have a good relationship with sleep, they come to visit for the night and leave in the morning thinking sleep is the nicest thing ever. But I'm here to tell you, and I'm sure others will agree, that sleep can be mean too.
First it started out where sleep was late in coming for our evening visit. Sleep would eventually come late pretending nothing was wrong and that I should just be grateful that they came at all. Then later sleep decided to interrupt our visits and leave for whatever reason. I think it has developed an attitude towards Joel. You see sleep sometimes leaves when Joel tosses and turns, acting as if he is rude. Well, I think sleep is rude. Then in the mornings when sleep is supposed to leave it tenaciously hangs on, pleading me not to go. And on the rudest occasions sleep just won't leave in the morning.
I don't know what I did to make sleep mad, but now lately when I come home and sit down to relax sleep kidnaps me for sometimes as long as two hours, gets mad at me when I finally escape, then refuses to visit me that night. What a jerk! So because my relationship with sleep has been on the rocks lately I've been forgetting things, like writing in my blog. I hope to make up with sleep soon and at least try and figure out how to stop the kidnappings.

And the Randomness continues...

2005-10-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a dream you just couldn't get out of your head for weeks? I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that was so beautiful and inspiring to me that I'm going to risk looking odd to share parts of it.
It started with me waiting with a group of people standing around looking for the arrival of a man. I had been sent to this place by this man to help him get someone out. Everyone waiting knew he was the only person who could get them out, but I had experienced this first hand, and was anxious to be there, even if I had been asked to come. What I thought was odd was that when he arrived no one but me noticed. He called out loudly for everyone to meet him inside the building. He then looked to me and directly asked me to pick up a girl who was so wounded she was coming in and out of consciousness, and couldn't walk in by herself. The man walked ahead, going into the building and disappearing in the crowd. I picked up the girl and immediately had resistance from people around me saying "Don't bother with her, she can't even walk. He won't want her". I just ignored them and walked through the crowds into the building. Looking around all I saw were lines. I asked the people what they were waiting in line for; they all would say they were waiting for Him. Because of the urgent need of the girl I would walk to the front of the lines only to find that they were waiting in line for a movie, a concert, food, etc. I was getting worried because I was searching through several lines and they were all going nowhere, but they all claimed they were waiting to see Him. Finally I cried out desperately "Where are you?" and I could hear Him quietly calling back to me. I followed his voice to increasingly less crowded areas until I came to a room where a wide staircase went down into a large room with windows all around, floor to ceiling. He was standing in the center talking to several people at a time. I came up to Him with the girl in my arms and was so relived. He smiled and talked to me, it touched my heart with such great peace and love I thought I would explode. The girl stirred and he said some comforting words to her. She smiled and went into a restful sleep. All this time it seemed he was able to keep his conversations up with everyone, not revealing what he was saying to anyone else. He was available to everyone who came and there were no lines to see him. He directed me to where I had to go to leave with the girl who had given me permission to take her to where he was on the outside. He comfortingly told me he would follow soon, there were some more people he was waiting for. I became worried; I said they were all distracted and waiting in other lines. He only smiled and said that they would come.
Yes, I know this is weird, but oh well. I chose this picture because I took it for a photography class, and the theme was dreams.

Happy anniversary Mom and Dad!

2005-10-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

My parents just celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary. While compared to a lot of marriages in the United States just lasting 32 years is amazing. But the real feat is that not only have they committed themselves for so many years they are still very much in love. I remember being about 5 years old and Melanie coming up to me very upset saying "Mom and Dad love each other more than they love us". Looking back there was something very comforting in that fact that Melanie discovered that day. I always knew that my home was secure. I would have a mom and a dad who would always be there together, taking care of me. My parents later told me when I was a teen and laughingly recalled Melanie's story to them that one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is parents that love each other. Later as I became an adult and all my sisters and I were getting married I remember my mother telling me that to have a marriage be successful is hard work, but well worth it. My parents have inspired me to always work on myself and my marriage, and it has always been a blessing to see the fruit that God brings about because of it. So thank you Mom and Dad for being such a good example and a blessing to me, my sisters, and all your sons-in-law by having a marriage that so wonderfully reflects God's design.

Yeehaw!

2005-10-20T21:58:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was a little girl I've loved horses. Now that I am an adult I have been able to take riding lessons and now I go out once a week with a friend to go horseback riding. What is funny about horses is that some are really nice when you are standing next to them on the ground, but as soon as you are on their back they are full of attitude. Some of them have poor "ground manners" but are great when you ride with them. I have yet to meet a horse that is well behaved all the time. But the odd thing is I still love to ride, despite the challenges and personalities I face. I know Melanie would disagree with me, but I think most little girls are fascinated by horses. There is something wild and beautiful about them, but still they allow themselves to be tamed. They kind of invite adventure and companionship. The horse in the picture is named Desiree, or Des. She's one of those who is nice on the ground. We have yet to decide if we can come to an agreement when we ride.

Isn't he great?

2005-10-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite wedding pictures. It shows how sweet Joel is, and how happy he makes me. I think our photographer Sandra Wilder was so great (hey, if any of you out there are looking for a wedding photographer who is excellent and reasonably priced, look her up). My dad recently finished mine and Joel's wedding video and it was so great to see it. God really blessed us with such a great wedding. Joel and I cried almost the entire time for all the joy we just couldn't express any other way. I feel so blessed that God brought Joel and me together. Hey, since this is my blog I'm going to take the time to brag about my husband Joel. Even though we go through difficult times he continues to work so hard. He doesn't let difficulties create a distance between us. I love how he leads us in prayer when I tell him about something hard I faced that day, or how he encourages me to read the Bible when I feel discouraged. God gave me a partner who shares my sense of humor, who is strong, and so thoughtful. I am truly blessed!

Be careful what you wish for, you might get growing pains...

2005-10-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

Have you ever asked God to give you more faith, or patience, or some other such noble trait then come to realize He's going to teach you the hard way. Now in reality the hard way is the only way. I don't know about you, but if God just took out the cosmic magic wand, waved it over my head and said "Now you will have more faith" it would save me a lot of hard work and pain. But you only learn by doing, and you only grow strong by exercising that which you want to grow stronger. So now I look back at the time right after Joel and I got married and we asked God to have us depend only on Him. Hmmm, if only we knew He would say yes. A lot changed quickly after that.

Joel and I were asked to pray about helping to start up a church called Ethnos and I remember thinking "no way, I like it where I am." I also secretly thought about how now I would have to meet all new people and actually have to help out to make sure the gatherings happened. Joel and I were convinced we weren't supposed to go, mostly because we didn't want to. But God kept bringing Ethnos up, and more and more we both felt that was where He wanted us. So during the time when Joel and I were still adjusting to married life we started going to and working with Ethnos.
Shortly after, Joel had to look for a new job because the company he was working for got bought out, and my work was moving to Oregon City. So we both were out of work for a time. Joel is now on his (I think) 4th job since we have been married and his work situation is now deteriorating. I'm on my second job and there is fighting between the owners, they have cut back my hours, and I may need to get a different job too. Sadly the job situations have never been our fault. Always circumstances beyond our control have made us move on as far as work is concerned. Every once in a while cash has become tight, but every time money comes from somewhere unexpected.
In May Joel was introduced to a rather rude piece of sidewalk when an unseen cable tripped up his bicycle and had him fall over his handle bars. Luckily Joel and I were riding our bikes with our neighbors, one of which is a nurse, so we were well taken care of. But we learned the lesson not to allow for half a month’s lapse between when one health insurance stops and the other begins, 'cause it might just be in that window of time that you need it. We were in the ER until 4 in the morning, and I'd rather not have that experience again. Joel broke his jaw, a tooth, and fractured his arm. We also learned that liquid diets are not satisfying as Joel went through several weeks with a wired shut jaw. He was glad when he didn't have to take the pain meds anymore so that he could drive himself to work instead of being chauffeured. Yes, he worked right after his accident. If it were me, I would have taken the time to rest, but Joel doesn't have a lazy bone in his body.

Not long after this Joel's family started having problems that are still ongoing. It's hard to know what to do in situations like that when if it was anyone other than family you would simply give up and not be their friend anymore. But since it is family, you have to try anyway. It's also difficult when you don't know all of the information because none of the "children" get to know.

We have also recently started helping an 18 year old friend of ours get out of a difficult situation. While she is staying at my parents house I drive her to her work, and Joel and I are learning what it is like to teach someone how to drive. Scary. I don't know how anyone does it. She's doing a good job, but it's still scary.
With all of these situations I have seen people act so selfishly and so cruelly. I've learned that "I'm an adult" means "I'm selfish, and I don't care if what I do hurts others or myself. I want to do what I want to do, and you can't stop me". But through it all I've learned so much. I don’t want people to think that I am complaining and that I think I deserve better or something when I talk about the stuff that's going on. I just want to share that though it has been really hard, and things have been so uncertain, God is so faithful. I spent much of my life before this collecting knowledge about God. Reading the Bible and reading so many theology books. But I wondered from time to time why I felt like I had not truly learned it because I wasn’t acting out what I "knew". I feel like God finally said "Now we are really going to learn". And as scary as that is, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. He is teaching me to finally keep my eyes on Him when things are hard instead of getting swept away by hard circumstances. I used to just put up walls to keep the hurt out when hard times came, but along with keeping out the hurt I blocked out a lot of what I could learn too. I'm finally learning to give up my problems to God instead of clutching onto them, trying to fix them, and feeling like an utter failure when I can't do it on my own. I'm starting to learn to have joy no matter what is going on. I still have a long way to go, but I feel encouraged. I have found peace in a passage I read recently. In John chapter 16 Jesus is telling the disciples about what is to come and tells them that this world if full of trials, but to take heart "I have overcome the world"! My heart is encouraged that Jesus has overcome everything. Nothing is beyond Him. And He cares so much about us. So while Joel and I are experiencing growing pains I wouldn't trade it for the world. God has proven Himself more than faithful.

So now I have a blog...

2005-09-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

I like blogs. You get to write about anything you want, and if people want to read it that's just fine. Now just a warning, those who know me well understand that the way I think can be all over the place so be forewarned. Hence the title "Rabbit Trail Thoughts". I'll try to make sense, but it might not happen all the time. This should be fun!